I need help. Im completely losing it. I need to talk to someone, anyone.
I have been rejected from 2 out of 5 universities so far, with no reason. Im a clever person, why don't they want me?
There are 100 reasons that i should just give up and move to another country, and with every day that passes it gives me one more reason to go. I don't know where and i don't know how, but i need to run away from everything.
What am i going to do? 
Life has gone all wrong.

mood: restless

I hate my college so much.

I need to do more photoshoots, its been soooo long and i miss it!

I really miss my family, and i want to go home.

Everything is making me really tearful at the moment.

Right, so ... i spoke to the Mr yesterday. Well not so much spoke to him as to burst into tears and talk a million words a second. But basically just told him how unhappy i was, told him that its been a year and he hasnt even had an interview, my parents have forked out thousands of pounds so we can stay with a roof over out heads etc etc... and just said that i dont know what to do any more, but it can't continue like this.
I think maybe, he actually didn't realise quite how unhappy i was. I thought he did, but they way he has reacted has been so different (i think) than if he knew how i felt. He spent ALL night writing new CVs and sent off loads to job vacancies, and tomorow he said he is going to send one of his new CVs to ALL the journalist jobs, writing jobs and magazines he can find. 
He has got a bit of an incentive now aswell, as we found out if we switch to Virgin phone and internet we get internet that is soooooooo fast (and he is very into that) plus free 65 cable channels! And he seems rather excited about that :P
So im really hoping this has given him a bit of a kick up the backside and he is going to try and sort himself out. :)

My awesome blackberry is still most awesome, but virgin have decided to be most UN-awesome and basically if you are on pay as you go then virgin dont let the blackberry apps work properly. Boo to that. Some woman from Virgin rang me becuase i sent them a shitty email and was like "would you like to upgrade to a contract phone?" me: "no" lady: ".......urm.......are you sure you wouldnt like to upgrade to a contract phone" me: "no, im switching to t-mobile, good day!" bye stupid lady. no i dont want a fucking contract phone, i dont want to owe money to any more fucking people thankyou! Soooooo, have applied for my free t-mobile sim card, as apparently they are one of the only networks that work fully with pay as you go sims on blackberrys. So.... yay! :D hopefully it will all be working fully soon!

I hate college its shit i hate it hate it hate it hate it. I havn't been for 3 weeks now. Going on thursday as i like psychology, but everything else i fucking hate. GRRRRRRRRRRRR.

But im actually in a good mood for the first time since Christmas, so that's good :)

Okay, so its not muy birthday until the 6th March, but i am starting to make plans already!
It's on a saturday this year which rocks also :D

Anyone reading this is expected to make an appearance! That means you Clemmy!

I am planning on a day of the dead theme. Skeletons and flowers :D yay!
Meet up in either big red or the dev in London and then go from there onward!

ideas etc are greatly welcomed!

So last night it suddenly started snowing again, and there is LOADS of it... with more on the way!
It's kind of nice this time, as i don't have to go to work or whatever, so i can actually enjoy staying snuggled up at home :)
I didn't take any pictures last time, so went out in my pyjamas into the garden to take some today!
Am hoping to get a nice picture of Atari in the snow later on today, but he is off on an adventure at the moment :P




The rather festive looking berry tree in the garden!






This is Henry the greedy greedy fat piggy cat! He is a glutton, just like Henry VIII so he is living up to his name!

Happy New Year!!!

Hello 2010 :3

Im feeling all...nice at the moment :)
The past few days have just been relaxing and i have got a bunch of housework done :)

Today i made a big mexican meal from scratch and i have a carrot cake in the oven!
& yesterday i made peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting!
Im turning into a proper little martha stewart! hehe

The cats are driving me crazy though! I have decided that i don't want them all here much longer and Peachy agrees.
We didn't say we would look after them forever, and now we have our own we want it just to be our little family, not 3 extra cats aswell!
They are lovely cats sometimes, but most of the time we are either having our sleep disrupted by them scratching at the doors or meowing really loudly, or pooping in the kittens litter tray or eating his food which pisses me off more than anything else because now its like they are costing us money to look after them! I can't watch them every second of the day and the kitten needs his biscuits down all the time. booooo.
So hopefully we can sort something else out with them soon.

Going back to the mother hens next week again. Can't wait! I love my family and i miss them all the time.

I have got my iced tea obsession back again. love ittttttttt.

I have decided my next saving up purchase shall be a nice digital camera :)

 well its going to be the 1st of January in just 4 days now!
Its been a bit of an odd year to be honest and im looking forward to putting it all behind me and starting with a clean slate!

Christmas was lovely as usual!
We went to my parents house for christmas eve and christmas day, and then to Peachys parents for boxing day.
Wasn't enough time for me with my family, so we are going back next week to shop in the january sales at bluewater and see them :)

I got loaaaaaaads for christmas this year! I got a blackberry! Which i am soooooooo chuffed with :) it's in the limited edition violet colour and is just lovely!

Lots to unpack as we only got back yesterday. So tomorrow and the next few days is going to be unpacking christmas goodies and cleaning the house :)

Well well well, its 4 days until Christmas Day and i am SO excited!
I thought i had to work on Xmas eve, but the rota got changed and i am off for 3 days in a row! yay! :D
So we are driving down to mums on Thursday morning, spending Xmas eve and Xmas day with my family and then Xmas day evening we are leaving and driving to Wales to see Peachys family, and spending boxing day there as its his mums birthday, and then leaving on boxing day evening for home. Going to be very tiring and i wish that i could have some more time with my family, but not much i can do about it!

I am still really enjoying my job! Which is a first, i usually hate my job by now. But i get on with everyone i work with really well, and actually like the things we are selling so i can relate to the customers a bit more. Plus i guess its nice to have some time to myself, even if t does mean im working during having that time away from home. I love the guys i work with, they are all really wicked. It's so nice to have met some people in Milton Keynes who aren't complete idiots who i have nothing in common with!

Atari is getting big now! He goes outside on his own for a little bit and then runs back in all excited! It is the first time he has seen snow, so he has been playing in the snow then running back in all wet. hehe.

The snow has been awesome this year! Loads of snow fell and actually laid a few days ago and its still here! It keeps getting little top ups from the little snow showers we have been having. It looks really festive, and is definitely helping with the Christmas spirit!

It is VERY cold in our house, and we have taken to spending all the time at home in the bedroom as it seems to be the only room that can hold in the heat from the radiator! 

 

location: A Winter Wonder Land mood: cold

Im so excited about Christmas! I only just realised its just two weeks away! :D
Work is going really well, i actually look forward to working my Wednesday and Friday shifts. they are only 4 hours long in the afternoons, and its so much more chilled out than the weekend. It's all good!

I have become really lazy with college though since starting work which is not good at all. I have a Psychology assignment to hand in on Thursday and i havn't even started it yet. Plus i have a maths test coming up either tomorrow or next week, though im not really worried about that, it's pretty simple. Just need to practice some fractions calculations, and remember the formulas for changing degrees celcius to farenheit and vice versa. Other than that, its all fine. I should be finished in 6 months! Sounds like a long time away but seeing as i only have college 2 nights a week its really not that long, like 48 lessons.

I can't wait to go back home. Everything seems to remind me of how much i miss London at the moment, and how rubbish Milton Keynes is. It's alot better now i have a job, because im actually getting out the house, but other than that its still the worst place in the world to live unless you have children and are looking for somewhere to settle down.

We took Atari to the vet this morning and had his balls lopped off! Poor boy. All went well and he is fine, just a little woozy and rather sleepy. At the moment he is sleeping at the end of the bed like a proper kitty should :)

I bought the most amazing thing ever today. We went to borders to have a look at the closing down sale, and in the paperchase section they had a purple glittery Jesus statue, and a blue glittery Mary statue. AMAZING. Im going to go back and get one for my mum aswell. We seem to have the same bizarre taste, and i just know she will LOVE it!

That's all for now :)

Im really enjoying things at the moment. Everything is going well for a change.
We havn't had to worry about having enough money to eat for the past few weeks which is awesome! hehe. That makes us sound like peasants, but rent and bills come before food you know?
Im quite enjoying my new job actually, which to me is bizarre because i have never really 'liked' a job before. It so nice to feel enthusiastic about what you are selling. The hours are long and it does drag sometimes, but i love the clothes, i get along with all the people i work with really well and its getting me out of the house. And of course earning a bit of cash.
Darren moved out a few days ago. Its SOOOO nice to have our own flat! We are both really happy about it.
College is fine. Plodding along. We finish in June/July time which is awesome!

Kitty is getting big now. Hes having his nuts cut off next monday, he is not going to be happy :P

I just found out one of my friends was found dead in his flat this morning of a suspected heroin overdose.
wow.

So i started work on Saturday at Pulp. Was good! I actually really enjoyed it, though it was a very long day and i was shattered at the end of it. I havn't worked a 10 hour shift in a shop before, so was a bit weird but good!
The centre was SOOOOO busy. Crazy busy. But i guess its better to be kept busy rather than sitting around doing nothing! Makes the time go faster :)
Sunday was good too, not quite so busy so i got to speak to some of the people i work with a bit more and had a laugh which was cool!

Had a nice day today with Peachy, went to have coffee (first gingerbread latte of the year! Woo! lol) and got something for dinner, then went to the pet shop and got Atari an awesome kitty collar :D

Going to Bite tonight. Can't be bothered to be honest, but i would rather go than sit at home on my own with nothing to do! Although i should probably do some housework today..... nah.

Soooooo, yea. I sent that pushy email the other day to that little alt shop that has opened in the centre. Monday morning i get a phone call from the manager asking me to come in for an interview this morning! Had the interview, and he offered me the job there and then!
Fridays, Saturdays an Sundays. Awesome :D
Looking forward to earning some cash!

Am REALLY looking forward to Christmas!
Were going to my parents on Christmas Eve and and then going to Peachys parents in Wales on Boxing day, as it's his mums birthday! So really looking forward to getting away for a few days.

I have new hair AGAIN. Dreads were in for a week, and now have my extensions back in and it looks really good! So am happy with that :)

Looking forward to Sarahs birthday on the 26th! Will be cool to catch up and get out of the house.

Things are looking up!

Oh my god im so bored :(

Im missing 1000 things right now.
There are like 20 really good things going on in London this week, and low and behold, im not there.
Can't afford to drive down either.
Rubbish.
Im really missing a few summers ago when i was living with the Italian boys in North Finchely. Hazel pretty much lived at my house that summer and we had such a good time. Out every night going to gigs or just to the pub. I don't understand how i did that as i didnt have a job and was just on job seekers, yet still could afford getting fucked out of my head every night. Was awesome. Im never going to have that again.
It's different now i have Peachy. Not that im complaining, but i will never be able to just go out whenever i want again because i will feel guilty about leaving him at home and coming home wrecked. Again, don't get me wrong, i love him to pieces and i don't know what i would do without him, but sometimes you just reminisce you know?
*le sigh*

Im so sick of everything at the moment.
Im only 21 years old and i feel like im 40. I have so many responsibilities that i dont want, and shouldn't have to carry on my own. But when i try to talk to Peachy about this he says that he does his fair share etc. Does he ever have worry about how we are going to pay the rent? nope. Hannah will sort it as usual. It's my parents that have had to fork out over £1000 in the past few months, not his. And you have NO idea how utterly dreadful that makes me feel.

Just having a shitty time at the moment.
Really hoping that 2010 is going to be a massive change for me and that everything will sort itself out.

I cannot WAIT until Christmas! Going to my parents a few days before xmas and then on Boxing day we are driving over to Wales to see Peachys family, as we didnt go last year.
I like going to Wales, i always feel really relaxed when we go there.

Soooooo, i switched to the part time Access course at college which is going well. I have pretty much cought up with the work already so thats no problem. Slightly more interesting aswell. We only study 4 subjects which are Psychology, Biology, It and Maths. Its only a 1 year course aswell so that alot better. In fact i have had to apply to universities already for the September 2010 starting date!

We will soon have the whole house to ourselves. Im REALLY looking forward to it!

I just emailed this new shop in the MK Shopping centre called Pulp. It sells remotely alternative clothing, so i figured i would try in there. I spoke to the manager a few weeks ago, who said there will be some work coming up over Christmas, so i sent them a pretty informal email basically telling them why they should employ me.... i have worked in the notorious Cyberdog and Ripleys and am a local in Camden so am very used to the whole 'alternative' thing. Plus i have neon yellow and blue hair, piercings and tattoos galore. So fingers crossed. Am going to go into the shop and speak to the manager again in the next few days.

Atari is getting big now! He's not my little baby anymore! hehe. He is still my big baby though :P Child substitutes rock.haha. Awww he's adorable.

Alrighty, well things have gone slightly tits up, and i have to change to a part time college course otherwise i can get my rent paid for me, and seeing as i have no income, i dont have any other choice.
But im trying to to think about that for the moment because i will just get all loony like i was yesterday.

Good things, my bestist buddy is back from travelling after 3 long months! I cant wait to speak to her! Also, we are off to stay with Kev and Daisy for a couple of days over Halloween, so im REALLY excited about seeing them and other people, and just generaly being in London, in an environment that i know and love.

Hair doing to be done tonight. hehe. Bleached it a couple of days ago, then dying it blue again tonight and having my dreads put back in, and i cant wait. Maybe it will help me feel a little bit more like me until my hair grows/i shave it off again :)

Not much has been happening to be honest since the last time i posted here.
Still working hard at college, but not too hard. Getting all my work done at least :) even ahead with most of it!
Am on half term this week and have nothing planned other than Halloween next week :)
REALLY looking forward to going back to London for a few days and seeing my friends, plus Hazel is back from her 3 months of traveling this week so thats really exciting! 

Haven had a migrane all morning. They REALLY drain me, its bizarre. So only just got up really, and its 4pm. Sitting here in the living room watching House with Peachy eating munchies. hehe
Its strange, last night we went to get fish and chips for dinner. Darren wasnt here so we had the flat to ourselves and we were just sitting here laughing at 'youve been framed' like a middle aged couple, and for the first time in a long time, i felt like i was home.

Had some really good news money wise after struggling for so long. When he was a teenager, Peachy opened an ISA with some investment company, and was paying in £25 a month. When he couldnt afford to do it anymore he canceled it and they gave him what he was owed which was like £5, and that was the end of that he thought. But his mum started looking into it recently, and realised there was a bit of money in him name, so he called them the other day and yes there was some money he was owed now the ISA had matured. So we get a cheque through the post for .... *drum roll please*....... £935!! How amazing is that?! Hehe. It has come along at just the right time aswell :) So at least the extremely heavy burden that i seem to carry on my shoulders has gone for a little while.

I have decided to dye my hair again, so am in the midst of doing that at the moment. Its being bleached, and then going blue, then im having an old set of my blue dreads put in for Halloween. Im sure the people of Milton Keynes will adore me even more afterwards. Haha. I cant wait though, i dont feel like me at the moment, maybe thats one of the reasons im so unhappy. 

 FUUUUUCKKKKKK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
you fucking prick.
just fuck off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

i want to fucking scream at the top of my lungs.
i feel like my head is going to explode